Best part about having a blog literally named after you is that you never really forget about it. (I should really do the name part for privacy purposes, but meh, not like I'm using this thing for any negative stuffs anyway)

So yeah, yo. How long has it been since I properly write something for anything again? Perhaps too long. I had so many things to write about this morning but as usual, as soon as I reach this blank page with my hands on the keyboard, I lost almost all of what I intended to talk about. Lately a lot of people have been telling me to write more, since I'm capable of doing that and I surely have the time to write, so here I am, trying.

First thing I wanna get off my head is the idea of trying to do something better with my life. Around a few months back, there was this motivational speaker that came to my college and started talking about his successes. Usually, I hate these kind of speakers. They sound braggy, they offer the same plain advice which roughly translate to (oh you don't need to do shit really, just be nice to everyone and do everything mediocrely and maybe someday some miracle success will stumble upon you too!) . Zero tips on how to chase after success with any specifications, zero effort used to tell us ANYTHING about how to reach success in a more practical manner. Well then again maybe that's why it's called motivational speech. It's just to motivate you. The whys, not the hows.

Anyway, this guy's different. He started talking about how he just recently got married, owned a car and house he paid full, owned a whole company and a group of loyal friends working with him. His age? 19 years old. A shy one year younger than me and he succeeded so much in life at such early stage in his life. Now I can go on ages about how his method of success is impossible for me since he relies mostly on his natural ability to influence people and leading a group of people while I'm...well....an introvert. Or I can go ages about how at his stage in life, his success doesn't mean he has reached a point of stability in life where anything afterward can be faced with a smile, no life doesn't work that way.

Instead I wanna rant about my own life, because yeah, I'm narcissistic that way. At the age of 20, I just fairly recently finished the education part of my diploma with zero guarantee that it'll account to anything, I'm stuck in a 3-months internship with a small company doing clerk works and retail, and I spend my free times watching tv shows and wrapping myself in fictional fantasies. I have accumulated many skills in life, my English writing and speaking ability is probably my flashiest skills, my ability to understand anything without much struggle, my understanding of technology and fixing anything that's broken, my stage performances, my past successes in debate and writing. I can go on for ages about how much I've picked up throughout the year.

But still here I am, at the age of 20, taking the slow road to success because apparently that's my safest option, Now this can't be right, I can do more, I have the ability to do more, I am capable of finding and achieving more to brag about myself to others and enjoy the outcome of within my youth. If this kid at the age of 19 can achieve what people at the age of 30 can only dream to get, why must I restrain myself with the mediocre success of the average 30 year old achieves? I NEED to do more, it's now or never.

Now I'm perfectly aware of my awesome ability to have a short burst of motivation that runs out as fast as the candle on a short wick, so I need alternatives to keep a steady and rising achievements every day. This here, this longass ranting, is my first step. After this I'm gonna look for things to join and other  websites to write to, if they are to take me. It may be yet another short burst of interest, but Imma try make it worth. To those who actually took the time to read this, first of all, the hell is wrong with you, don't you have anything better to do? Secondly, wish me the best and I hope you will achieve more too, with each day that pass by.

Yeah I'm getting lazier and lazier with the titles. Just pretend it's deep and meaningful because...technically it's actually related to what I'm about to talk about.

I've just finished watching the movie called Hal The Movie. It's an anime movie about a girl in depression because of her (boy?)friend's death by plane crash. To bring life back to her, her grandfather biologically altered a robot called Q01 to look like Hal and sent him over to the girl (named Kurumi by the way) to fulfill her wishes, which were written on rubik cubes Robo!Hal need to solve first.

The movie was beautiful, the pacing was great and as we see life slowly comes back to Kurumi as she warms up to the new Hal, we have the sense of happiness creeping into us thinking "maybe whatever bad I'm facing right now can be solved if I only find someone like Robo!Hal".

Right?

Wrong.

Although I do find the movie beautiful and touching, I also dislike the concept of a girl being lost in a traumatic problem, relying on an outside force - classically in most romance stories, a perfect boy, a knight in shining armour - to drag her from the put of depression and to think ahead again. For me, I don't think anyone should expect someone like that to appear in their lives and save them. Sure it does happen, you find someone you can rely on and it brings you hope and a reason to live on, yet in my opinion these people should be a bonus, something extra delightful for your life rather than your soul reason to exist.

Before romanticists out there start hating me for this, try to consider this. Another person is, well....another person. They're another individual with their own life and problems and to put it in TFIOS's cheesy line, another infinity. For them to be the reason for your infinity, your life is completely irrelevant because they have their own to care about. Two infinities way co-exist and support each other yet one is not a subset of the other. Even parents and their offspring.

I'm trying to keep it short here and just say that you are in charge of your own life, not anyone else. People come and people goes, some are determined to stay yet they have their own infinities and they do not have a great enough power to control yours too. Besides, humans are naturally self-centred. No matter how much you rely on someone all you think about is mainly how he or she contributes to YOUR life without accounting about their own.

Spoiler alert for the anime movie if you're interested to watch it.

Yet in the end of the movie, it was revealed that the one who died in the plane crash was actually Kurumi, and Hal is the living person. Hal had undergo a trauma so severe, blaming himself over Kurumi's death that he believes he's a robot. The true robot, Q01 was actually altered into becoming Kurumi to help Hal have a reason to live, and Kurumi's grandpa simply led Hal to believe that he's Q01 turned into Hal to help Kurumi instead.

So what changes about this story to me? Everything.

This beautiful movie taught you that helping others may help you help yourself. Though I said earlier that humans are incapable of controlling someone else's life completely, you may contribute and co-exist and by that, help yourself be alive. Hal later on discovers about this fact and even after Robo!Kurumi's death (long story), Hal lives on, inspired by his ability to help Robo!Kurumi, who was actually behaving depressed because Q01/Robo!Kurumi couldn't process human feelings and Kurumi's memories untill Hal showed her how.

So moral value of the day (because I think I wrote too long heh, sorry) is that your life is your own universe. You are responsible for it and you yourself need to find ways to live no matter what's thrown at you. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't contribute to others' lives. In fact, humans community survive by supporting each other, completing the missing puzzles and pushing on when we're down and lost. So rather than you sit around waiting for your knight in shining armour, put on a shining armour (borrow my polish, it's extra shine) and go on adventures, pulling up people and help them put on their shining armour (I could start a business selling polish) and be side-by-side to face that dragon in your way.

Besides, the ultimate goal in human companionship is to find someone you can co-exist together for the rest of your life, right?

Hey pal, how's it going?

So I know this is long before you've written a letter to me and a year earlier than when your letter should've been received to me but I just feel like writing to you, someone that is so similar yet different from me. Shits have been happening these past few weeks and within my life (yeah I said shits, do you know your future self casually swear now? Who would've guessed huh) and I figured I need a break. I need to go back and rethink what had gone wrong in my life.

For starters, your SPM result? Bummer. Sure you're being all high and mighty being confident about PMR right now and yes, you will get those 8As, stomping down your older siblings results, proving yourself for one glory moment, but it wasn't just a reward, it was a curse. You're cursed to not know how your potential is an unshaped one. How it is just barely surviving up till now and when you realise you need to grab a knife and sharpen it, it had been way too late for that. And the harder the potential grew with age, the harder to sharpen it, as it is used to being dull.

But hey, not everything had gone down in your life right? I mean c'mon, you're a social outcast right now. But fear not, very soon, you'll get to start afresh. Your past may haunt you but you will find people who understand, who accepts, and who embrace you as who you are, and desire nothing more than that. You may be a detached freak right now but not long now, you'll yearn for those interactions with people you like, feels like you finally belong and leave your past as a terrible memory forgotten.

What did I just tell you earlier? With a reward there's a curse. Being shapen by so many years of loneliness and being neglected, it isn't that easy for you to embrace a new life. You'll find yourself trying to shrug it off, shooing away people who come close to you, and fear their touch as it may be too big for your tiny broken heart to handle. And it WILL happen, you will lose some, and you will also gain some. Those who stay are precious, hold together by sheer bond of friendship. Because deep down you know, you NEED them.

I have a lot of things to tell you right now pal, like how you've gotten lazy in reading, your insomnia getting worse, stress and pressure all around you and your mental problem? Yep. Still here bro. But Imma skip straight to the point here. You need to have faith, you need to learn to open up and let people be in your world, because you need to realise, YOU are in THEIR worlds. As much as the bond hold you and them together, it is still fragile, and you never realised it.

I know, being selfish is the reason why you're still here and sane right now, it's how you fend off those who try to ruin you and burn you down. But you aren't the only one that matters, you aren't the only one that suffers. As much as you are crying in a corner right now, there's another person crying harder, feeling lost and need guidance more than you. As much as your problems burden you, as heavy as you have to carry those responsibilities, you are NOT allowed to let them down. You hear me? You are allowed to doubt, but hear me Farid Taqiuddin, THEY do too. Think about that for awhile, it may have been too early to tell you this, but I guess this is more of a slap to me more than you. I'm sorry for disappointing you pal, and we may have lost a dear friend because of it. I'm really, really sorry.

Your friend,
Farid Taqiuddin

So, exam went better than expected (special thanks to Potato for the long talk we had and sorry for wasting your credits) and now I'm back in Besut trying to get back to writing again. Plus gonna need to get used to writing again before starting on my entry for KL Noir : Yellow if I ever get around to writing it, considering the past two KL Noir submissions I was intending to write weren't written in the end. Hey, my laziness level is legendary.

Anyway, I've been intending to post this for quite awhile now, actually intended as a Facebook post but I'm not the kind to post these kind of things in public in fear of appearing too pompous and self-absorbed in my own world (Farid Taqiuddin actually caring about what people think about him, heh) so I decided to elaborate it in blog post form instead....but procrastinated the idea up till now.

To those who'd known me since young, I was a lonesome child who'd prefer being by myself and minding my own business as I have abandonment issues, believing everyone thinks I'm insignificant, and always abandoned, so I thought it's better to stay by myself and care for my own world instead. I rarely let any people into my life and allow myself to be so vulnerable to others because there aren't many that can understand me.

As I grow older and during my late-teen years, I've recently discovered that I've been living in the wrong world after all. I've entered a program that opened up a link from me to a world of people that are more open-minded and accept my differences and think I matters. As these people slowly changes me and I learn to be more social and accepting, I've learn the meaning of friendship and learn to appreciate these people despite not being physically there in their lives or them in mine most of the time.

However, sadly to say, the abandonment issue I suffer from aren't just something I can wave away with a few rainbow and glitters. People come and people go from your life. Some drifted away, some are preoccupied by their own lives and some just aren't in your life anymore, no matter how hard you try to cling on to those reasons that brought you two together in the first place. So here's what I was actually intending to post on my Facebook wall :

As I open up to and know more people into my world, I've realised that I'm not alone after all. There are people who are similar to me in different aspects and we learn to enjoy that fact together. To find someone that are similar to us and I learn a part of me more than I could've learn by myself. Sadly, not everyone stays and as they leave me, I feel like a part of me has died and it hurts.

But life isn't all gloom and rain (though in real life, I quite enjoy gloomy and rainy weather but you get my point), there are those who stays and those who can't yet even try harder to keep in contact with you. There are those who get closer as you get to know them better, and there are those who just remain the same, unaffected by time and your relationship feels permanent. I love these people and I can't say I'd like to go back and relive my childhood life (like there are many pleasant memories to relive anyway) because I wouldn't have them in it.

In fact, imagine yourself old and aging, with your life mostly spent and now just enjoying the years left behind for you to live in. You're sitting on your house's balcony staring into the sky. Now imagine who will be there with you, friends that still be friends despite years had passed and now you're joking along with them, remembering the past years and enjoying each others' presence. The question is, have you found those few friends you can grow old together with?

New Year Resoluton. Oh how many people actually tried and completely forgotten about it in a few days after making it. I admit that I'm not the most dedicated of people, I'm lazy and I procrastinate a lot, so usually I won't do New Year Resolutions unless asked to (usually by teachers trying to make us better) and when I have something to actually look forward to.

Last year, the resolutions that I can still remember is to continue on loving and never having problems with my relationship with my girlfriend............we broke up on that particular year. I want to work out and get back in shape and actually gain weight to make myself look more presentable to the real world. The fact that I'm in college living on instant noodles and porridge due to money shortage proves that it was yet another failed resolution. I did work out here and there, but I'm still as thin as a stick. And I think I've grown weaker and unable to do stuffs I usually did without any problem before. I wanted to write a book, yet I ended up leaving my skill in fiction-writing rust and I can't even write a simple short story without struggling with writer block.

Heh, I can make a list of unresolved New Year Resolutions I've made each year and it still won't cover how much of a sloath I am in changing my own life towards better grades. Yet I've also managed to get closer to people I want to be close with, gain new trusted friends that I care about, learn the hardship of life and gain a new variety of music in my playlist. I learn who cares for me, who I care for, and where I should stand and be with. For that, I am happy and grateful with what I have. I've even managed to get 3.53 in the first semester of college and learn to manage my money better.

For this year, there are new resolutions and there are resolutions that I'm keeping. With hope that I shall resolve this with the year of 2014 with more determination and reasons.

- I want to never lose another person I hold dear.
- I want to improve my body and find an efficient way to do so while managing my money properly.
- I want to open up to more people and stop being such a loner.
- I want to continue on writing and finishing this 365 writing prompts this year to prove myself of what I can do.
- I want to get back to Faith and seek for His forgiveness.
- I want to actually study and earn my exam results, not given.

There are a lot more that's unspoken here, and I hope and pray to accomplish all of them as fast as I can. And may I find what I seek for as my days as a teenager is approaching to an end. Amin.

So as headstart so that whoever actually follow this blog won't get a heart attack due to sudden frequency of posts starting from today, I'm gonna do the 365 Days of Writing Prompts my friend gave me to encourage myself to start writing more and stop being a lazy douche bag. So yeah, the titles and some of the prompts might be altered to fit what I have in mind and I may still post personal stuffs outside the prompts whenever I need to, but in general, I'll be writing a blog post daily starting from 2014 and being a master procrastinator, I've missed 7 days already so I'll be doing 8 posts today (yay college for no class). I apologize in advance if each posts today don't feel much depth in the writing because it's hard to feel different things and write them down at the same time you feel me?

....okay wow that's a long intro. So lets start with what happened when the clock reached the Twelfth Hour at the midnight, signifying the end of 2013 and the start of 2014. At the stroke of midnight, in person, I was alone, in the bedroom facing my beloved laptop Yuon wrapped comfortably in blankets. It is a lonely life, as you might say, for an 18 year old boy to be alone on New Year Eve without even the presence of his family. My family aren't much like me in this perspective, they're normal people who sleep around 9pm, close the lights and wake up at 6 to start their lives. Being in a fishing village called Besut, I don't have many friends to hang out with to celebrate this occasion.

But online, I was chatting with people who I care much about and whom I am comfortable with. Despite being separated by hundreds of kilometres in distance, we're connected through this gift of modern technology. I was happy, chatting with people who like me as who I am and who I can be with, eventhough it isn't in real life. As the hour slowly ticks, I'm grateful to have met these people and wouldn't ask for nothing more than to hang out with them to celebrate this together. Even if it is in virtual reality.

Even after the hour fades and people start going to sleep, I spent the time thinking about how mysterious 2014 is for me and how I don't have any vivid idea what to expect in this particular year. Anna actually took the time to call me at 3am to wish me personally Happy New Year despite being busy with her own friends. I was grateful, and finally went to sleep with a smile on my face.

So was it where I'd wanted to be? No, I want to personally be there, crowded with my friends as we huddle together in anxiety of facing yet another year, wishing that we'll still be friends and nothing will change that, but after years of living alone, lonely and depressed, I can say that I'm grateful to even have them in the first place, and that I can chat with them online as we close the final chapter of 2013.

Dear friends,
You may or may not know this, but thank you. Thank you for being in my life, and thank you for letting me be in yours.

Well hello there. Yeah, haven't been writing or posting anything for quite awhile. It's amazing how much you can distract yourself from doing something just because you think other priorities are higher or simply because of the urge of procrastination (which is basically the same thing to me really).

So, been trying to make this post and planning it in my head for weeks now, and finally after forcing myself to go back to writing (at 4.14am in the morning, of course), I'm finally writing this thing down.

From all the previous posts you can probably guess that I'm a really self-centered guy. I think of myself as the main point and view others as secondary. I always consider myself as... different from others from my own view of perspective yet I always rationalize my bad actions or habits to make me sound like a good man. Although I may never will know how others truly view me, I decided it's time to judge myself and list all the bad habits and actions I tend to do that is not an action of a good man and will try my best to not rationalize it (though it is seems to be a habit of mine) for they are bad. Yeah if you're wondering about what's wrong with the way I talk in some sentences, I just watched 3 episodes of Merlin non-stop and it kinda influence my way of thinking a bit. It won't last long, I hope.

For the sake of fear that I get the urge to not want to list more, I won't put numbers in the points so here goes.

- I'm a very self-centered man who top priority is myself. I view myself as different and gifted in a way that everyone else should too but in a good way. Although some might be true but I discovered that everyone feels that way about themselves. I am no different than another man from this perspective and I must learn to accept that. I may be special in a way, but it does not give me a reason to view myself so highly and view others so lowly.

- I'm lazy. It's as simple as that. Although I really like keeping myself busy (it keeps me focused on what I do because I have attention-span problem which will be explained in the later point), I find every reason to procrastinate and in the end, not put my best work on something.

- I have a really short attention-span. I don't know why, maybe it's Asperger Syndrome, maybe it's ADD or other stuffs but I can never seems to be able to focus on one thing at once. It's a really bad habit of mine to stray off to other topics when I try to focus on one thing and I find it easier to do a lot of things at once as it helps me focus. From my confusing quest to understand the way I think I discovered that I don't think of ONE thing at once, but a lot, all jumbled up and mixed, commenting on each others' thoughts and constantly arguing, all in my head at the same time. I'm not sure if this is normal and everyone else has it too but it's probably the main reason I can't focus on things. That and I underestimate stuffs and think lowly of them.

- I lack passion in everything. Lots of people say that I am emotionless. The truth is, I do have emotions and I can easily express normal reactions toward normal stuffs. Yet for some reason the passion of doing such things, and doing work and even the simplest of task like talking, it seems that I can't channel my full heart into doing it. Writing might be the only channel I have to express things without showing that I lack emotions in it but it's also seen if you see thoroughly like the lack of pictures in a blog post, my reluctance to check on my grammars and even my attempt to keep on to the topic I want to express only. I can feel it inside, but I can't express it fully and I can't understand why. I can't use this as an excuse though so it's counted as a bad habit of mine.

- I'm short-tempered. I have very low tolerance when it comes to stupid questions or people annoying me when I'm not in a good mood. I gave up quite easily and I can snap at people when I lose control of myself. The only way I've kept my cool is to avoid things that annoy me but when it comes I may not be able to control myself from being enraged at it.

- I reject people from coming close to me. I do that all the time, yet I claim to be lonely. I can't just simply accept someone into my life or let myself be part of a group. Only selected few who are persistent or likeable and who can handle all my nonsense that I let into my life completely. I somehow like being a lone ranger, not being part of any group and is free to go anywhere.

- I don't let many people that I know to be of an importance in my life. I may forget them after a few years or even months depending on how they play a role in my life but as time pass by I won't even remember them except the very few who played a special role or those I hold most dear.

- I'm messy. Very messy. I don't look after myself as much as I should. Perhaps related to lack of passion in doing anything.

- I'm annoyingly protective. Nuff said.

- I am not a good Muslim. I should change.

- I whine a lot, I'm rude to people I don't know because of my social anxiety and I'm constantly not in the real world. I let my mind drift with my thoughts too much.

- I'm still haunted by my past, eventhough the worst of parts were locked up deep in my mind so I can't remember much details yet I'm haunted by it, constantly in fear of history repeating itself.

- I neglect others yet curl in self pity when I'm neglected.



Okay I have to stop because my urge to rationalize my actions is starting to get overwhelming yet I don't want to. These are the bad things about me, and there are many more unspoken of and it makes me unlikeable by many. Maybe my parents and my environment had made me to be who I am but it's my own fault for staying as who I am. Lastly, you strip away all my masks and fake egos, senseless pride and arrogance and layers and layers of what I show to the world and you'll have yourself a love-deprived boy who feels neglected and wants to be pampered by those he love because he fears everything else. That is who I am, deep in the inside, my true self.

For as long as I can remember, I am a curious child and it have always been my priority to find out about everything and understand the mechanism in them. Having parents that didn't have much time for me, I am used to searching for answers by myself through many means. I'm not accustomed to being mouth-fed the answers to my curiosity (which explains my lack of tolerance for irrelevant, stupid questions asked to me) so I think a lot. I've made mistakes along the way but through that mistakes I learn why and how.

First of all, I do apologize for the previous post if it confused everyone. It was written to mirror what I've experienced in life so do understand why not everyone get the whole story *grins widely* I somehow hope that a miracle can happen and the person read it and understand it though but I guess there's no use in hanging on a thin thread of hope.

Aaaaaanyways, as I'm writing this, I'm listening to Worth It by Sam Tsui (great dude, awesome voice) and absorbing the lyrics while feeling the meaning of it. There's this one thing though, listening songs and doing other things that require focus never work well for me. I can do it, of course, but my concentration will be quite lower than what I can do at my optimum state so for things like writing this for example, I prefer silence for me to concentrate all that I can and not end up with a really messed up post heh. In my defence for listening to Sam Tsui, the song just ended, and I always listen to songs before writing as it puts me in mood.

Well technically, with my body condition, I can be considered as all-year-round sick. My body temperature is slightly above average most of the time and my body's weak condition cause me to suffer from complications most of the time. I guess this is the price I have to pay for a really high metabolism (other than my extremely thin body, fragile arms and heart condition). Oh and also, despite all these and my unhealthy diet, my blood glucose level and pressure is perfectly normal. Ideal, in fact, for someone my age and height. Hence, vampire.

This picture, to me it's full of memories but I won't get to that just yet. For now, it's just narcissistic vampire wishing himself to get well soon.

Hi.

Oh hey I'm writing again. Gotta be honest, I find this very stress-relieving plus I've improved so much from the me from years ago that I actually enjoyed reading back what I've read instead of facepalming all the time due to grammatical problems and sentences that don't make sense (narcissistic much, Kai?).

I wear a glove now. Gloves are cool (and an efficient way to freak people out)

Gotta credit my cute little Turtle sister Yuki-chan for her efforts in posting daily that influenced me to do seemingly the same (*ahem* working on it *ahem* sorry, like I said, I'm lazy and inconsistent with my work). If I actually have readers other than those who know me who check out my blog sometimes, feel free to check out her blog and I guarantee you that she's completely nu-- I mean amazing. www.tatoruyuki.blogspot.com.

Anyways, back to me. Instead of explaining about my opinions and perspective of life, I think Imma do a casual post this time and explain some stuffs. First of all, my Facebook posts. Ignoring the daily fandom posts due to the fact that I am in a lot of fandoms, despite having mostly Malay friends on Facebook, I post my statuses in English instead of Malay or Kelantanese Malay.

The reason is simple, my targeted readers of my posts are my fellow Starstruck! friends and other English speakers that I am close with that interact with me daily. They're the ones that usually comment on my posts so I'm sorry to the ones that don't understand my statuses, I'm not bragging, but I think in English and I prefer using English-language to express myself because it's a more casual language. Oh and also, I don't use short forms because I used to be a writer so the habit of writing in complete sentences had been developed for so long already.

Also, if anyone noticed, I may or may not use emoticons while chatting with people. That is simply because I have this tendency to reflect how people interact with me. You speak with me in Kelantanese dialect, I'll reply with Kelantanese dialect. If you're using Manglish, I'll use Manglish and also for proper English. I don't use those weird emoticons when interacting with people who don't use them and I use them comfortably with people who like to use them. It's as easy as that.

Now............what other habit do I have. Oh yeah, the pose. You see, I have this weird pose like that one with the glove. Technically it's not because I'm trying to act cool, it's because I look ugly if I act cute due to my ridiculously unphotogenic (*ahem* OR, you're just plain ugly) face. So I use this pose instead plus it's an easy way to cover the lower half of my face (which I consider the "ugly" part of my face). For example

By the way, I like knives.

And of course, the infamous phone promotion

If anyone is wondering, I lost the phone. Well technically it was stolen but no need for details

And while we're at it, best thing of having two brothers, you can get whatever awesome stuffs they used to own when they're tired of it. For example, my spikey-thingy

Wore this during Animangaki. Sorry to those that I accidentally poked with it.

Made myself a papercraft TARDIS. Kinda failed though

And of course all my pictures are dark, I'm a vampire, whaddaya expect? :P

Ciao~

Oops, wrong feels

Umm......well hi again. Surprisingly I find myself writing yet again, despite my previous doubts that I'd ever continue blogging. Perhaps the fact that a friend of mine's dedication in posting at least once a day had effected me in some way or another. So here's a lousy intro, now lets go to the main reason why I got myself writing again.

As mentioned in the two previous posts, I've admitted to being neglected by many, and having putting on a mask for far too long, the mask have became me instead. I have suffered many difficulties in expressing my emotions to anyone, and earned myself the title "The Emotionless Vampire" due to my disability in reacting towards drastic events occurring in my everyday life.

(This might ended up being yet another lengthy ranting post, fair warning)
To be honest, I honestly cannot understand how to react to whatever I am feeling in the inside. The emotions raging inside of me stay there, without any way of coming out except occasionally seeping through, effecting the way I'm thinking. So technically, I'm not at all emotionless, just expressionless. In fact, I can feel emotions a lot better by listening to songs than having the event happening to me right in front of my eyes.

Lets not sidetrack and go there yet, I'll save that for another post ranting. The point of this post is for me to express myself whole, trying to sort out what I'm feeling and why am I feeling this way. I shall focus on one thing only this time and that is the topic of love, the greatest mystery of mankind.

How I think my heart looks like

Born without much fondness by the people around me, I admit that I'm love-deprived. I do things because I seek attention and I want to be loved and to love. I love my parents and express fondness of my siblings despite our many misunderstandings and arguments, but this form of love is not expressed and unsatisfying for me. Perhaps this is just a phase I'm still going through as a teenager, but I've been thinking a lot lately concerning how I look at girls and how they might view me.

I'll admit, I've been through two failed relationships. With both cases, I blame myself as the cause of the failure. I mean, who wants me to be honest? I'm hideously scrawny, and the only time I see myself as good looking is when I look at my own mirror (need to research on that later, why do we look good in the mirror in our own house yet surprisingly ugly in cameras and public mirros). I am very uncomfortable when my pictures is taken mainly because I look hideous, whether it's because I'm naturally ugly or because I'm amazingly unphotogenic shall remain a mystery to myself. The other factor of the failed relationships is because I cannot bring myself to be dedicated to the relationship, and that annoyed the other side too much.

So after the second attempt, I had set up my mind that relationships are to be taken seriously. I've ignored all that attracted-feeling I have to girls because it's helpless. When the opportunity came I took it seriously and considered my future, I loved her unconditionally and enjoy the love she expressed to me. But yet again it ended, and I fell into the deep chasm of confusion.

It is not to say that I cannot love people anymore. In fact, I longed for the feeling yet I know I don't deserve it. I may be delusional to think that every single girl that is or was nice to me may actually be attracted to me yet I can't stop myself from having crushes. I am confused, I can't stop myself from falling in love yet now I no longer hope to be responded to it. For those who think I'm creepy, I forgive you because I admit that I indeed am creepy. Maybe one day I'll find someone that can love me back unconditionally but until then, I shall do my best to control these stupid feeling from taking control of me.

Well.........hi. Well it's around 6am, I can't sleep and listening to Lunafly Teo's cover of Impossible by James Arthur. I do realise despite everything, I don't usually rant about myself for awhile now but I feel like it today so here goes.

All my life, I'm forgotten, separated from the actual society for facts that even I can't specify. To put it simply, I was............weird. I don't see things as normal humans does, or at least, I think I see them a bit deeper and consider everything in a different angle. When I was interviewed to enter the debate team, I was credited for being able to see things in every possible angle instead of sticking to just one. It comes to my advantage sometimes, but also, to disadvantages.

Being born in a family with two big brothers and a big sister, with my big sister being the core helper for my mum, my high-achieving big brother who is the favourite in the family, my rebellious second big brother, I was recognized for everything. I was just.......there, number four of the family, big deal. Three years later, as I just starting to learn and develop into life, my spoilt little brother is born, demanding the most of my mum's attention. My big brothers get along well with each other, they're almost best friends. I can't seems to mingle with my big brothers and became the subject to their teasings. I can't understand my little brother as he is spoilt by my big brothers and then born my little sister, the princess of the family, with autism that set her as the one that will get away with everything, and always forgiven.

Among my siblings, I'm known for being quiet, as I see things differently from others, learning on my own and listening to the voices in my head. My family gave up trying to get me to mingle with everyone and so I am left alone, usually forgotten. In fact, once when we were visiting my sick uncle in the hospital, I'd lost my way and yet nobody even noticed that till they're in the car on the way home. I got to credit my first big brother for noticing it first. Moving forward to kindergarten, pre-school, primary, secondary, I stutters a lot when conversing with people as my brain thinks faster than my mouth can speak. My classmates often ditch me and tease me a lot because I'm so.........different. I am known, of course, but as the one that is different and not part of them.

As I went through puberty, teenage life and now that I've reached the age 18, I am adapted to the fact that I will forever see things differently, that I am unique, one of a kind, FARID. I was fine with that, I submerged myself into my research concerning life, the universe, fictions, the human minds and everything that catch my interest. My best friends are the books I borrow from the libraries and occasional books I bought myself with my own money.At least they don't judge me, never questioning me, and I feel like I'm a part of the fictional universe as long as I continue on reading. But as time goes by, I'm growing more tired of the teasings, I'm sick of the fact that I keep being ditched by people everywhere, forgotten and never considered as part of them. Deep down in my heart, I want acceptance, recognition, a place where I belong and am happy with.

To achieve that impossible goal, I've tried the closest that I can ever achieve, I use my Jack-of-the-all-trade ability to get myself onto stage, performing, expressing myself. I am very comfortable on stage, because it's a one way interaction and the audience doesn't have to do a thing. They can just watch me express myself through acting, debating, public speaking, singing and such and I can enjoy that fake feeling that they recognize me for being someone. A person, someone whose existence is known. In real life interaction, the introvert me is scared of interacting directly with people, yet still longed for it. I have a best friend who is famous among humans, and while I walk with him, as people greet him and say hello, completely oblivious to me standing beside him, I shared the feeling like it's mine eventhough it's just a delusion.

I know, I have a best friend, I have people who actually try to talk to me, yet why did I still feel neglected? I highly doubt that my so-called "best friend" recognize me as his closest mate, and everytime people talk to me, I feel like they're trying to talk to a different species, and not like how they talk among themselves. It hurts me whenever I'm neglected, forgotten but that's how I am. This may just be my paranoia worsening the situation, and I have myself to blame for cutting people from my life but everytime I think about it, why do I have to understand them? Why can they try and understand me instead? Why must I be the one to change and wear a mask daily just to mingle with humans, why can't they just accept me just the way I am, and try to understand my situation?

I may have mistaken acceptance with recognition for a long time now, for what I do to get acceptance only earns me recognition. I never feel that I truly belong to anywhere, my existence will never be recognized as important to someone's life, that I'll just be another passing dude people forgets.

But instead of being depressed over it, now, I try to reach out to people, appreciate the ones that entered my life and value them as much as I can. It breaks my heart whenever they forget about me but I forgive them, and I'm trying hard to open myself to more people, letting them into my comfortable introvert bubble and having two-way interaction. I value everyone that has ever try to be in my life and I will never forget it, even if they forget me and that's it. This might sound like a really elaborate whining from a child longing for love, but this may be the only way of me to express it whole outside my thoughts. I apologise to whoever that read this till the end and benefits nothing from it, and I thank you, for sparing time for my worthless rant.

Concerning my research on humans through their behaviour, actions, and interactions.

Humans in this world, to be simplified as much as possible, can be divided into two categories when in comes to human survival and interactions. The first kind is the type that face challenges, daily problems, mind troubles with much reluctant. They constantly ask why is that they're the one to face these troubles, why can't they be as happy as everyone else? Why can't they just rest and let everything revolves around them? Whining about their problems, they struggle to face them and most ended up in very pessimistic view about life and can be identified to be people who "struggles to survive".

From the description of the first category, people may assume that the second category have it the easy way, just get out of the door, it's a beautiful morning, munching a perfectly ripe apple, strolling along humming to the tone, greeted pleasantly by everyone, meeting the people they're happy with and ride a unicorn flying across the rainbow. Unfortunately for everyone, horned flying magical horses don't exist, there will always be that unpleasant guy among the flock trying to make your life miserable, people all around you judge you all the time, every song you ever fell in love with will sound plain and boring once you've listen to them for a awhile, there will always be that possibility that a worm has resided inside the apple, and mornings don't always come with a pleasant weather.

So what is this second category and how does it differs from the first? As the first is said to struggle to survive, the second struggles to succeed. We don't live in this world just to stay alive. Jim Moriarty from Sherlock BBC phrased it perfectly. It's just staying alive, now that is so boooooring. No, there are people out there that want more, they want to experience the very best of being alive. These people have goals, aims, something that they want to prove to the world. They want to make their existence, worth it. But these two categories of humans aren't so much different, are they? They live on the same earth, wake up to be greeted by the same sun, surrounded by the same species of homo sapiens, so how do they differ?

They say in a group of people, there will always be the whiner, who complains about everything and that every problems they have are the worst of kind. There's also the nagger, who instead of complaining about their problems, they complains about the whiner and the cycle continues. But have you ever notice that one guy who never appears to be having any problems at all? Yeah, that weird individual who just do everything, make them seems like the world revolves around them, whatever they do is right, whatever that is not right, they'll smile it off and fix it right. That one guy people admire, elect as their leader for their calm and just values, the one they look up to, always jealous about because "how come our lives never be as perfect as them???" and the one people seek help from. But still, they're humans! How come they have such values?

The simple answer to the question has already been stated. They're humans, they have their problems, they have those days when everything goes against them, they have those nagging parents that restrict their lives, but they don't show it to people, they masked themselves from others for the sake of others. These people, sorted into the second category, know that complaining won't help, it will just be a nuisance not just to them, but to others around them. These people put on those brave masks, hide their true feelings, suppress their problems and stand on their own ground because they have their something they want to accomplish. Instead of struggling to survive, they struggle to succeed. They allowed themselves to solve their own problems, unravel their conflicts and remove everything that comes in their way of reaching their goal.

Again may I say, despite all of those, they are still humans. They have their moments of defeat, they have their phrases of breaking down, giving up and just abandon all hope, but know that humans have that potential to be whatever they want to be as long as they are willing to go through the hardships to get it. I'm not just talking about humongous, ambitious goals like being the first man to live on Mars, being the first President of the world or making sure their name is remembered throughout history for 10 generations, everything and everyone has their own goal. Even staying alive is a goal. Better, living life the fullest is a goal. So for humans out there, take a moment to reflect, what is it in your life that makes you feel that living is worth it for that is what you live for, and that is why you should continue living on for.

Though be warn, mask can be used to deceive people, but only the wearer knows how uncomfortable it is to wear the mask, and what's behind the mask. If you store it up behind the mask all by yourself, the thing you hide may rot, little by little. Find someone, or something, that allows you to take off that mask, breath in fresh air, and just let go.

An email I wrote to my English teacher. Unedited

Dear Teacher,

First of all, yes, my name is unique enough to have its own email address without any numbers in them XD and it's pretty useful for formal applications.

Teacher apa khabar? Dah bertahun tak nampak ke-awesomeness teacher, last time jumpa pun sekejap je. Your existence is not something I can simply forget you know so yeah tergerak hati nak cari teacher. Mohon ampun tuanku sebab guna bahasa rojak, rasa formal sangat pulak tulis email pakai satu bahasa je haha.

So for the past couple of years of my life, lots of things had happened and I've changed a lot (or maybe that's just puberty) in term of maturity and understanding of the world. But worry not dear teacher, I'm still that unique, weird Farid Taqiuddin who lives in the fantasy world with his books and other fascinations. Let me start from when I moved to MRSM Pengkalan Chepa.

Dear Teacher, do you still remember how I exiled myself from the mortals because I'm.........different? Well in PC, apparently BITARA is not just a fancy name! All the students admitted in that MRSM are considered as "gifted" in one way or another. I've seen student who can draw so well it looks like the drawing will pop out of the paper, a student that sleep in Add Math class and yet scored A+ in every single examination for Add Math. People whose mind are so imaginative it's a wonder why they're still considered as humans. Needless to say, my "unique" personality fits quite well there, I'm no longer the kid who exiled myself from others. I still do most stuffs myself, and earned the name "The Lone Ranger" but I learn to mingle with these people, and they accept me as who I am, never in any school I've ever loved the humans inside it like I love MRSM PC students. I still remember the good people from KOPU of course, I try keeping in touch with them from time to time. And of course, eventhough I'm considered as my English teacher's best student and enjoyed myself horrifying her with my essays full of psychopathic stuffs, I still remember that tiny, cute teacher with a very bright smile that showed me the wonders of the world.

I think I've told you this before but last year, 2012, I've joined a program by The Star's newspaper named Starstruck! where I became a writer for a pullout that is published every Monday (I think the word had spread in KOPU ever since pictures of me are on print in The Star a lot eheh). I met lots of aspiring journalists in that program and befriended them well. As the program came to an end, The Star had chosen me and 11 more writers from the program to intern at their place for a whole month as the best Starstruckers of 2012! So after SPM, I left Besut to stay alone in Kepong, taking the KTM and RapidKL daily to get to work at Menara Star, Petaling Jaya in December, 2012. (ironic kan, budak yang grammar berterabur ni tetiba jadi best writer, pastu kerja ngan The Star pulak tu). The experience was awesome, I learn a lot from it and it's safe to say that my level of understanding in English Language is higher than before (too bad I can't say the same for my grammar though). I can even speak fluent English now (I think not that good pun, but acceptable).

So.........back to PC, in case you haven't notice, I'm actually a workaholic. I like keeping myself busy with stuffs and I took it as a responsibility to find works to do. I joined Starstruck, became the school's debater (3rd speaker, crowned as the best speaker for a few competitions), elected as the president of ELS (you saw me XD) and other stuffs. Unfortunately, I'm not as much dedicated toward my studies as I was to my work (a non-studyholic workaholic, yes you have my permission to laugh at how ridiculous it sounds). I was never known to be the one who does his homework and I rarely do my revisions. God-willing, I've been slapped on the face by my SPM result that reads 6A4B. I got B for Physics, Chemistry, Biology and a B+ for Add Math (my fault, I slept in most of the classes). My parents didn't take it kindly that despite being the tradition-breaker with 8As for PMR while my older siblings only managed to obtain 7As. I was still offered a place in UiTM for Civil Engineering (kampus Johor) and Matrikulasi Melaka for science but after a long debate of my priorities and future (which also involves the fact that I didn't get MARA scholarship), I decided to reject both offers.

Instead, I applied and got accepted to the Co-Operative College of Malaysia (saje je guna term BI dia, sebab Maktab Koperasi Malaysia doesn't sound just as grand) to continue my study in Diploma in Co-operative Management. Yes, me, the forever tak terurus boy, studying to be a manager. The reasons are as follow

1 - I don't wanna take PTPTN

2 - The competition in UiTM is a lot higher than being here where the requirement is only PNG 2.5

3 - They have their own loan program here where if I get pointer 3.5, it'll be half-a-scholarship and it'll be a full scholarship if I get pointer 3.8 and above.

4 - It's in Petaling Jaya and I'm more accustomed here due to internship experience than in Johor plus I have friends around here (the fellow Starstruckers)

5 - I don't have a number five reason actually, just writing this because my OCD refuse to let me write only four reasons.

So yeah, here I am in MKM for about a month now, using Yuon (my laptop's name btw) while waiting for breakfast time. I hope this is actually readable (my writing skill is rusty from the half-a-year vacation I had without any actual work at home) and you'll reply soon with your part of the story.

Love,

Farid Taqiuddin aka Kai (my current alias, short for Kaito actually)

Syok sendiri time~ XD

I was hearing to the songs in my playlist on one fine day while day dreaming as usual when I chuckled at how much variates I have in it, and all of them are my favourites. From hearing to old school American Idiot by Green Day to hearing the artificial voice of Kagamine Len singing Regret Message, I thought about how much difference of these two (and a lot more) types of music and how they are weirdly connected by me.

I don't like being connected to one type of things. Sure I'm a Potterhead but I'm also a keen fan of Darren Shan and may God have mercy on those who want to debate with me concerning Eion Colfer's Artemis Fowl series. Being a "Jack of the All Trade, Master of None", I spent most of my life trying out new things while still living on with things I already have. In fact, even my origin is diverse, I'm half Malay, a quarter Siamese and a quarter Chinese.

In my life I have never hesitate to try something new (unless of course, it's something ridiculously stupid and harmful to myself *ahem* Swag, YOLO *ahem*). I joined the choir club as a tenor, I debate, I dance to traditional and k-pop songs and much more. Because of my love towards the stage, people in my school had come to accept the fact that I will always end up on stage doing something else.

MC : Now I present to you, The Brunollies!

*Me and my buddy Bruno walk on stage*

Audience : Owh great. What Farid's going to do this time?

Me : *go toward the drum set and sit*

Audience : O_O

Bruno : *starts playing the keyboard and sing*

Me : *play the tambourine*

Audience : O___O

Me : *pick up the drumstick and starts playing the drum*

Audience : O____________O

#TrueStoryBro

My whole point is that don't get yourself labelled by just something because it's the only thing you can do. Try being something you are not and varies on what you can do. Same goes to socialising, I'm disappointed how society is separated by race or simply where you live in. I'm amused everyday by what I see on my Facebook's newsfeed. I got friends that are budak kampung like me and post in deep Malay Kelantanese accent with the proud identity of The Red Warriors.

I also have friends from town like Bruno that are more open minded and adapted to stylishness plus I befriended a group of awesome people from around Malaysia that speak English in regular basis despite being Indian, Chinese or Malays and shared the same passion in writing as me. I was surprised how the boundaries between the different kind of people are so sacred to humans that they're afraid to go beyond the identity they were born with. Plus, I participate in internet forums with people all around the globe sharing the same interest and open their mind to accept and give.

So to put it simply, my life is like my music playlist. I have :
- Vocaloid songs
- Islamic songs
- Malay hit songs
- English hit songs
- Kamen Rider songs (yes, I am also an otaku, especially when it comes to tokutsaku shows)
- K-pop songs (blame my brothers, plus the dance moves are cool to copy and learn)
- Some Bollywood songs that I really love  from the movies
- Old school-but-still kicking songs like Avenged Sevenfold, Green Day, Linkin Park, Westlife, etc)
- Japanese songs, especially from anime
- And many other types that caught my interest

I really, really, really, really, REALLY like Kamen Rider :B

So all of these completely different types of music can blend in just fine in my playlist without any nuclear bomb exploding, so why can't we be the same? Accept differences, share the knowledge.

Thanks~

P.S.

Disclaimer = All bragging inserted in this article is meant to be example, Farid Taqiuddin and all his personalties have no responsibly of any puking, spitting or cursing while reading the article and the reference of swag or YOLO since he does have a few friends that are into it. If problem occurs, please refer to the nearest psychiatrist or reserve a spot in the graveyard by the nearest undertaker because well, you know, YOLO

Ah it's already February of 2013? When the hell did this happened?
*total recalls of the years*

SPM That's...pretty much explain it OTL

INTERNSHIP Yesh, that emo dude at the back is me

GAMES GALORE!!!!!!!!!

FINISHED WATCHING THEM XD

Trust me, it's funny as HELL