Yo~

Best part about having a blog literally named after you is that you never really forget about it. (I should really do the name part for privacy purposes, but meh, not like I'm using this thing for any negative stuffs anyway)

So yeah, yo. How long has it been since I properly write something for anything again? Perhaps too long. I had so many things to write about this morning but as usual, as soon as I reach this blank page with my hands on the keyboard, I lost almost all of what I intended to talk about. Lately a lot of people have been telling me to write more, since I'm capable of doing that and I surely have the time to write, so here I am, trying.

First thing I wanna get off my head is the idea of trying to do something better with my life. Around a few months back, there was this motivational speaker that came to my college and started talking about his successes. Usually, I hate these kind of speakers. They sound braggy, they offer the same plain advice which roughly translate to (oh you don't need to do shit really, just be nice to everyone and do everything mediocrely and maybe someday some miracle success will stumble upon you too!) . Zero tips on how to chase after success with any specifications, zero effort used to tell us ANYTHING about how to reach success in a more practical manner. Well then again maybe that's why it's called motivational speech. It's just to motivate you. The whys, not the hows.

Anyway, this guy's different. He started talking about how he just recently got married, owned a car and house he paid full, owned a whole company and a group of loyal friends working with him. His age? 19 years old. A shy one year younger than me and he succeeded so much in life at such early stage in his life. Now I can go on ages about how his method of success is impossible for me since he relies mostly on his natural ability to influence people and leading a group of people while I'm...well....an introvert. Or I can go ages about how at his stage in life, his success doesn't mean he has reached a point of stability in life where anything afterward can be faced with a smile, no life doesn't work that way.

Instead I wanna rant about my own life, because yeah, I'm narcissistic that way. At the age of 20, I just fairly recently finished the education part of my diploma with zero guarantee that it'll account to anything, I'm stuck in a 3-months internship with a small company doing clerk works and retail, and I spend my free times watching tv shows and wrapping myself in fictional fantasies. I have accumulated many skills in life, my English writing and speaking ability is probably my flashiest skills, my ability to understand anything without much struggle, my understanding of technology and fixing anything that's broken, my stage performances, my past successes in debate and writing. I can go on for ages about how much I've picked up throughout the year.

But still here I am, at the age of 20, taking the slow road to success because apparently that's my safest option, Now this can't be right, I can do more, I have the ability to do more, I am capable of finding and achieving more to brag about myself to others and enjoy the outcome of within my youth. If this kid at the age of 19 can achieve what people at the age of 30 can only dream to get, why must I restrain myself with the mediocre success of the average 30 year old achieves? I NEED to do more, it's now or never.

Now I'm perfectly aware of my awesome ability to have a short burst of motivation that runs out as fast as the candle on a short wick, so I need alternatives to keep a steady and rising achievements every day. This here, this longass ranting, is my first step. After this I'm gonna look for things to join and other  websites to write to, if they are to take me. It may be yet another short burst of interest, but Imma try make it worth. To those who actually took the time to read this, first of all, the hell is wrong with you, don't you have anything better to do? Secondly, wish me the best and I hope you will achieve more too, with each day that pass by.

Reliance

Yeah I'm getting lazier and lazier with the titles. Just pretend it's deep and meaningful because...technically it's actually related to what I'm about to talk about.

I've just finished watching the movie called Hal The Movie. It's an anime movie about a girl in depression because of her (boy?)friend's death by plane crash. To bring life back to her, her grandfather biologically altered a robot called Q01 to look like Hal and sent him over to the girl (named Kurumi by the way) to fulfill her wishes, which were written on rubik cubes Robo!Hal need to solve first.

The movie was beautiful, the pacing was great and as we see life slowly comes back to Kurumi as she warms up to the new Hal, we have the sense of happiness creeping into us thinking "maybe whatever bad I'm facing right now can be solved if I only find someone like Robo!Hal".

Right?

Wrong.

Although I do find the movie beautiful and touching, I also dislike the concept of a girl being lost in a traumatic problem, relying on an outside force - classically in most romance stories, a perfect boy, a knight in shining armour - to drag her from the put of depression and to think ahead again. For me, I don't think anyone should expect someone like that to appear in their lives and save them. Sure it does happen, you find someone you can rely on and it brings you hope and a reason to live on, yet in my opinion these people should be a bonus, something extra delightful for your life rather than your soul reason to exist.

Before romanticists out there start hating me for this, try to consider this. Another person is, well....another person. They're another individual with their own life and problems and to put it in TFIOS's cheesy line, another infinity. For them to be the reason for your infinity, your life is completely irrelevant because they have their own to care about. Two infinities way co-exist and support each other yet one is not a subset of the other. Even parents and their offspring.

I'm trying to keep it short here and just say that you are in charge of your own life, not anyone else. People come and people goes, some are determined to stay yet they have their own infinities and they do not have a great enough power to control yours too. Besides, humans are naturally self-centred. No matter how much you rely on someone all you think about is mainly how he or she contributes to YOUR life without accounting about their own.

Spoiler alert for the anime movie if you're interested to watch it.

Yet in the end of the movie, it was revealed that the one who died in the plane crash was actually Kurumi, and Hal is the living person. Hal had undergo a trauma so severe, blaming himself over Kurumi's death that he believes he's a robot. The true robot, Q01 was actually altered into becoming Kurumi to help Hal have a reason to live, and Kurumi's grandpa simply led Hal to believe that he's Q01 turned into Hal to help Kurumi instead.

So what changes about this story to me? Everything.

This beautiful movie taught you that helping others may help you help yourself. Though I said earlier that humans are incapable of controlling someone else's life completely, you may contribute and co-exist and by that, help yourself be alive. Hal later on discovers about this fact and even after Robo!Kurumi's death (long story), Hal lives on, inspired by his ability to help Robo!Kurumi, who was actually behaving depressed because Q01/Robo!Kurumi couldn't process human feelings and Kurumi's memories untill Hal showed her how.

So moral value of the day (because I think I wrote too long heh, sorry) is that your life is your own universe. You are responsible for it and you yourself need to find ways to live no matter what's thrown at you. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't contribute to others' lives. In fact, humans community survive by supporting each other, completing the missing puzzles and pushing on when we're down and lost. So rather than you sit around waiting for your knight in shining armour, put on a shining armour (borrow my polish, it's extra shine) and go on adventures, pulling up people and help them put on their shining armour (I could start a business selling polish) and be side-by-side to face that dragon in your way.

Besides, the ultimate goal in human companionship is to find someone you can co-exist together for the rest of your life, right?

To me, 5 years back.

Hey pal, how's it going?

So I know this is long before you've written a letter to me and a year earlier than when your letter should've been received to me but I just feel like writing to you, someone that is so similar yet different from me. Shits have been happening these past few weeks and within my life (yeah I said shits, do you know your future self casually swear now? Who would've guessed huh) and I figured I need a break. I need to go back and rethink what had gone wrong in my life.

For starters, your SPM result? Bummer. Sure you're being all high and mighty being confident about PMR right now and yes, you will get those 8As, stomping down your older siblings results, proving yourself for one glory moment, but it wasn't just a reward, it was a curse. You're cursed to not know how your potential is an unshaped one. How it is just barely surviving up till now and when you realise you need to grab a knife and sharpen it, it had been way too late for that. And the harder the potential grew with age, the harder to sharpen it, as it is used to being dull.

But hey, not everything had gone down in your life right? I mean c'mon, you're a social outcast right now. But fear not, very soon, you'll get to start afresh. Your past may haunt you but you will find people who understand, who accepts, and who embrace you as who you are, and desire nothing more than that. You may be a detached freak right now but not long now, you'll yearn for those interactions with people you like, feels like you finally belong and leave your past as a terrible memory forgotten.

What did I just tell you earlier? With a reward there's a curse. Being shapen by so many years of loneliness and being neglected, it isn't that easy for you to embrace a new life. You'll find yourself trying to shrug it off, shooing away people who come close to you, and fear their touch as it may be too big for your tiny broken heart to handle. And it WILL happen, you will lose some, and you will also gain some. Those who stay are precious, hold together by sheer bond of friendship. Because deep down you know, you NEED them.

I have a lot of things to tell you right now pal, like how you've gotten lazy in reading, your insomnia getting worse, stress and pressure all around you and your mental problem? Yep. Still here bro. But Imma skip straight to the point here. You need to have faith, you need to learn to open up and let people be in your world, because you need to realise, YOU are in THEIR worlds. As much as the bond hold you and them together, it is still fragile, and you never realised it.

I know, being selfish is the reason why you're still here and sane right now, it's how you fend off those who try to ruin you and burn you down. But you aren't the only one that matters, you aren't the only one that suffers. As much as you are crying in a corner right now, there's another person crying harder, feeling lost and need guidance more than you. As much as your problems burden you, as heavy as you have to carry those responsibilities, you are NOT allowed to let them down. You hear me? You are allowed to doubt, but hear me Farid Taqiuddin, THEY do too. Think about that for awhile, it may have been too early to tell you this, but I guess this is more of a slap to me more than you. I'm sorry for disappointing you pal, and we may have lost a dear friend because of it. I'm really, really sorry.

Your friend,
Farid Taqiuddin

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