Well hello there. Yeah, haven't been writing or posting anything for quite awhile. It's amazing how much you can distract yourself from doing something just because you think other priorities are higher or simply because of the urge of procrastination (which is basically the same thing to me really).

So, been trying to make this post and planning it in my head for weeks now, and finally after forcing myself to go back to writing (at 4.14am in the morning, of course), I'm finally writing this thing down.

From all the previous posts you can probably guess that I'm a really self-centered guy. I think of myself as the main point and view others as secondary. I always consider myself as... different from others from my own view of perspective yet I always rationalize my bad actions or habits to make me sound like a good man. Although I may never will know how others truly view me, I decided it's time to judge myself and list all the bad habits and actions I tend to do that is not an action of a good man and will try my best to not rationalize it (though it is seems to be a habit of mine) for they are bad. Yeah if you're wondering about what's wrong with the way I talk in some sentences, I just watched 3 episodes of Merlin non-stop and it kinda influence my way of thinking a bit. It won't last long, I hope.

For the sake of fear that I get the urge to not want to list more, I won't put numbers in the points so here goes.

- I'm a very self-centered man who top priority is myself. I view myself as different and gifted in a way that everyone else should too but in a good way. Although some might be true but I discovered that everyone feels that way about themselves. I am no different than another man from this perspective and I must learn to accept that. I may be special in a way, but it does not give me a reason to view myself so highly and view others so lowly.

- I'm lazy. It's as simple as that. Although I really like keeping myself busy (it keeps me focused on what I do because I have attention-span problem which will be explained in the later point), I find every reason to procrastinate and in the end, not put my best work on something.

- I have a really short attention-span. I don't know why, maybe it's Asperger Syndrome, maybe it's ADD or other stuffs but I can never seems to be able to focus on one thing at once. It's a really bad habit of mine to stray off to other topics when I try to focus on one thing and I find it easier to do a lot of things at once as it helps me focus. From my confusing quest to understand the way I think I discovered that I don't think of ONE thing at once, but a lot, all jumbled up and mixed, commenting on each others' thoughts and constantly arguing, all in my head at the same time. I'm not sure if this is normal and everyone else has it too but it's probably the main reason I can't focus on things. That and I underestimate stuffs and think lowly of them.

- I lack passion in everything. Lots of people say that I am emotionless. The truth is, I do have emotions and I can easily express normal reactions toward normal stuffs. Yet for some reason the passion of doing such things, and doing work and even the simplest of task like talking, it seems that I can't channel my full heart into doing it. Writing might be the only channel I have to express things without showing that I lack emotions in it but it's also seen if you see thoroughly like the lack of pictures in a blog post, my reluctance to check on my grammars and even my attempt to keep on to the topic I want to express only. I can feel it inside, but I can't express it fully and I can't understand why. I can't use this as an excuse though so it's counted as a bad habit of mine.

- I'm short-tempered. I have very low tolerance when it comes to stupid questions or people annoying me when I'm not in a good mood. I gave up quite easily and I can snap at people when I lose control of myself. The only way I've kept my cool is to avoid things that annoy me but when it comes I may not be able to control myself from being enraged at it.

- I reject people from coming close to me. I do that all the time, yet I claim to be lonely. I can't just simply accept someone into my life or let myself be part of a group. Only selected few who are persistent or likeable and who can handle all my nonsense that I let into my life completely. I somehow like being a lone ranger, not being part of any group and is free to go anywhere.

- I don't let many people that I know to be of an importance in my life. I may forget them after a few years or even months depending on how they play a role in my life but as time pass by I won't even remember them except the very few who played a special role or those I hold most dear.

- I'm messy. Very messy. I don't look after myself as much as I should. Perhaps related to lack of passion in doing anything.

- I'm annoyingly protective. Nuff said.

- I am not a good Muslim. I should change.

- I whine a lot, I'm rude to people I don't know because of my social anxiety and I'm constantly not in the real world. I let my mind drift with my thoughts too much.

- I'm still haunted by my past, eventhough the worst of parts were locked up deep in my mind so I can't remember much details yet I'm haunted by it, constantly in fear of history repeating itself.

- I neglect others yet curl in self pity when I'm neglected.



Okay I have to stop because my urge to rationalize my actions is starting to get overwhelming yet I don't want to. These are the bad things about me, and there are many more unspoken of and it makes me unlikeable by many. Maybe my parents and my environment had made me to be who I am but it's my own fault for staying as who I am. Lastly, you strip away all my masks and fake egos, senseless pride and arrogance and layers and layers of what I show to the world and you'll have yourself a love-deprived boy who feels neglected and wants to be pampered by those he love because he fears everything else. That is who I am, deep in the inside, my true self.