And this post isn't about security guards too *ba dum tss*

Lame Intro : Check

So I'm still in my end-of-semester final exam right now and there's Basic Management paper tomorrow (future me, if you're reading this right now, SORRYYYYYY) and I decided to rant here instead yayyy.

Topic of the day (or week, or fortnight, not sure how long was I gone) is my stupid paranoia with people. As I mentioned all the time in the past, I was raised in an environment where my existence was deemed insignificant and even repelling to some. So for me to get close to someone isn't the easiest thing to do, for my opinion even to myself is very low (scrawny dude with dark skin, wearing glasses and 90s hairstyle, hardly sounds charismatic huh?). Although in some cases I do get close to some people and I regard them in the highest of level of priority in my list.

So...what is it about insecurity? Insecurity meaning I am not so sure, eventhough I value them very much, if they feel the same way towards my existence. Sometimes, I get a bit too paranoia and starts feeling really insecure about my position to the others. Do they really like me? Are they just being nice and treat me kindly while resisting the repelling feeling they have for me? Am I actually someone to anyone's life? Sure I am very proud to know that I'm considered very special and unforgettable to seemingly everyone who've ever met me but that's totally different from how significant my life is to others.

This kind of thinking usually haunts me whenever I try starting a conversation with someone I am very attached to and they doesn't reply me back (for quite awhile) and having no other things to do, I start feeling lonely, neglected, and start questioning my existence. Is it that I exist just as a necessary being, unappreciated? Is my existence so basic that I'm always forgotten? Needless to say I get very scared to start talking to people in the first place and rarely believe in anyone.

I use the Doctor gifs now, Doctor gifs are cool

No matter how close I think I am with someone, there will always be that feeling haunting me at the loneliest of times. Except you Anna, that's why I appreciate you so much, we both are linked so I know we both know we're needed in each other's existence. God I hope you're not reading this, this is seriously embarrassing to write. Even with Anna, I still feel like that (especially when she's not online).

It maybe because of my past where I was often neglected, treated like I'm not needed and all that but I really wish I can stop thinking like this. It's really depressing and why did I think of that soda-pressing pun. SERIOUSLY KAI, I'M TRYING TO WRITE A NORMAL POST HERE.

So yeah, please don't leave me alone and let me go down the depression hole again ._.