Well.........hi. Well it's around 6am, I can't sleep and listening to Lunafly Teo's cover of Impossible by James Arthur. I do realise despite everything, I don't usually rant about myself for awhile now but I feel like it today so here goes.

All my life, I'm forgotten, separated from the actual society for facts that even I can't specify. To put it simply, I was............weird. I don't see things as normal humans does, or at least, I think I see them a bit deeper and consider everything in a different angle. When I was interviewed to enter the debate team, I was credited for being able to see things in every possible angle instead of sticking to just one. It comes to my advantage sometimes, but also, to disadvantages.

Being born in a family with two big brothers and a big sister, with my big sister being the core helper for my mum, my high-achieving big brother who is the favourite in the family, my rebellious second big brother, I was recognized for everything. I was just.......there, number four of the family, big deal. Three years later, as I just starting to learn and develop into life, my spoilt little brother is born, demanding the most of my mum's attention. My big brothers get along well with each other, they're almost best friends. I can't seems to mingle with my big brothers and became the subject to their teasings. I can't understand my little brother as he is spoilt by my big brothers and then born my little sister, the princess of the family, with autism that set her as the one that will get away with everything, and always forgiven.

Among my siblings, I'm known for being quiet, as I see things differently from others, learning on my own and listening to the voices in my head. My family gave up trying to get me to mingle with everyone and so I am left alone, usually forgotten. In fact, once when we were visiting my sick uncle in the hospital, I'd lost my way and yet nobody even noticed that till they're in the car on the way home. I got to credit my first big brother for noticing it first. Moving forward to kindergarten, pre-school, primary, secondary, I stutters a lot when conversing with people as my brain thinks faster than my mouth can speak. My classmates often ditch me and tease me a lot because I'm so.........different. I am known, of course, but as the one that is different and not part of them.

As I went through puberty, teenage life and now that I've reached the age 18, I am adapted to the fact that I will forever see things differently, that I am unique, one of a kind, FARID. I was fine with that, I submerged myself into my research concerning life, the universe, fictions, the human minds and everything that catch my interest. My best friends are the books I borrow from the libraries and occasional books I bought myself with my own money.At least they don't judge me, never questioning me, and I feel like I'm a part of the fictional universe as long as I continue on reading. But as time goes by, I'm growing more tired of the teasings, I'm sick of the fact that I keep being ditched by people everywhere, forgotten and never considered as part of them. Deep down in my heart, I want acceptance, recognition, a place where I belong and am happy with.

To achieve that impossible goal, I've tried the closest that I can ever achieve, I use my Jack-of-the-all-trade ability to get myself onto stage, performing, expressing myself. I am very comfortable on stage, because it's a one way interaction and the audience doesn't have to do a thing. They can just watch me express myself through acting, debating, public speaking, singing and such and I can enjoy that fake feeling that they recognize me for being someone. A person, someone whose existence is known. In real life interaction, the introvert me is scared of interacting directly with people, yet still longed for it. I have a best friend who is famous among humans, and while I walk with him, as people greet him and say hello, completely oblivious to me standing beside him, I shared the feeling like it's mine eventhough it's just a delusion.

I know, I have a best friend, I have people who actually try to talk to me, yet why did I still feel neglected? I highly doubt that my so-called "best friend" recognize me as his closest mate, and everytime people talk to me, I feel like they're trying to talk to a different species, and not like how they talk among themselves. It hurts me whenever I'm neglected, forgotten but that's how I am. This may just be my paranoia worsening the situation, and I have myself to blame for cutting people from my life but everytime I think about it, why do I have to understand them? Why can they try and understand me instead? Why must I be the one to change and wear a mask daily just to mingle with humans, why can't they just accept me just the way I am, and try to understand my situation?

I may have mistaken acceptance with recognition for a long time now, for what I do to get acceptance only earns me recognition. I never feel that I truly belong to anywhere, my existence will never be recognized as important to someone's life, that I'll just be another passing dude people forgets.

But instead of being depressed over it, now, I try to reach out to people, appreciate the ones that entered my life and value them as much as I can. It breaks my heart whenever they forget about me but I forgive them, and I'm trying hard to open myself to more people, letting them into my comfortable introvert bubble and having two-way interaction. I value everyone that has ever try to be in my life and I will never forget it, even if they forget me and that's it. This might sound like a really elaborate whining from a child longing for love, but this may be the only way of me to express it whole outside my thoughts. I apologise to whoever that read this till the end and benefits nothing from it, and I thank you, for sparing time for my worthless rant.