Oops, wrong feels

Umm......well hi again. Surprisingly I find myself writing yet again, despite my previous doubts that I'd ever continue blogging. Perhaps the fact that a friend of mine's dedication in posting at least once a day had effected me in some way or another. So here's a lousy intro, now lets go to the main reason why I got myself writing again.

As mentioned in the two previous posts, I've admitted to being neglected by many, and having putting on a mask for far too long, the mask have became me instead. I have suffered many difficulties in expressing my emotions to anyone, and earned myself the title "The Emotionless Vampire" due to my disability in reacting towards drastic events occurring in my everyday life.

(This might ended up being yet another lengthy ranting post, fair warning)
To be honest, I honestly cannot understand how to react to whatever I am feeling in the inside. The emotions raging inside of me stay there, without any way of coming out except occasionally seeping through, effecting the way I'm thinking. So technically, I'm not at all emotionless, just expressionless. In fact, I can feel emotions a lot better by listening to songs than having the event happening to me right in front of my eyes.

Lets not sidetrack and go there yet, I'll save that for another post ranting. The point of this post is for me to express myself whole, trying to sort out what I'm feeling and why am I feeling this way. I shall focus on one thing only this time and that is the topic of love, the greatest mystery of mankind.

How I think my heart looks like

Born without much fondness by the people around me, I admit that I'm love-deprived. I do things because I seek attention and I want to be loved and to love. I love my parents and express fondness of my siblings despite our many misunderstandings and arguments, but this form of love is not expressed and unsatisfying for me. Perhaps this is just a phase I'm still going through as a teenager, but I've been thinking a lot lately concerning how I look at girls and how they might view me.

I'll admit, I've been through two failed relationships. With both cases, I blame myself as the cause of the failure. I mean, who wants me to be honest? I'm hideously scrawny, and the only time I see myself as good looking is when I look at my own mirror (need to research on that later, why do we look good in the mirror in our own house yet surprisingly ugly in cameras and public mirros). I am very uncomfortable when my pictures is taken mainly because I look hideous, whether it's because I'm naturally ugly or because I'm amazingly unphotogenic shall remain a mystery to myself. The other factor of the failed relationships is because I cannot bring myself to be dedicated to the relationship, and that annoyed the other side too much.

So after the second attempt, I had set up my mind that relationships are to be taken seriously. I've ignored all that attracted-feeling I have to girls because it's helpless. When the opportunity came I took it seriously and considered my future, I loved her unconditionally and enjoy the love she expressed to me. But yet again it ended, and I fell into the deep chasm of confusion.

It is not to say that I cannot love people anymore. In fact, I longed for the feeling yet I know I don't deserve it. I may be delusional to think that every single girl that is or was nice to me may actually be attracted to me yet I can't stop myself from having crushes. I am confused, I can't stop myself from falling in love yet now I no longer hope to be responded to it. For those who think I'm creepy, I forgive you because I admit that I indeed am creepy. Maybe one day I'll find someone that can love me back unconditionally but until then, I shall do my best to control these stupid feeling from taking control of me.